I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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