Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
