Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize