It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Randomize
