I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
whose ass print is on the piano?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
