My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
