Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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