im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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