no, he came in my armpit
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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