you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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