I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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