you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
