I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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