My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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