This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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