I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
