Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
You are the jesus of drinking
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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