Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize