Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
