matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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