were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
