yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
