A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize