dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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