speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
