my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
