No awkward lesbian experiences without me
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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