so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
