i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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