Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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