I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
only if we run a train.
done.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
