I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
