I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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