You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Randomize
