I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
