when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
