It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
