i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
