Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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