who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
