textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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