I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
