I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I'm having to shit out rocks
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
