I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
