I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
