you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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