Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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