I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
