i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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