I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
