i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
You peed on a flamingo?!?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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