Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
