if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
