My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
